What’s the point of dating? When you first meet someone it’s probably to find out if you are compatible. You share fun facts, interesting tidbits, and maybe a few secrets about yourselves. You’re looking for chemistry, or sparks or butterflies, or whatever feels like connection to you. But after you start to figure each other out you don’t just quit dating. When you’ve been together for longer and schedules get crowded maybe you start to schedule date nights. Date night Might look like quietly sharing the kids’ Halloween candy in the kitchen after bedtime, but time spent is time spent. Amirite? We’ll call this stage of dating “maintenance mode”. It’s when you check in with your partner. You see what’s new or exciting that might not come up during regular hustle and bustle. Maybe you aren’t actively searching for sparks in maintenance mode, but you may just catch one if you’re paying attention.
We spend tons of time seeking dating relationships or maintaining said relationships with others. How often do we persue that kind of intimate relationship with ourselves? When was the last time you made a mental note of what makes you interesting? How often do we take time to check in with ourselves? Asked yourself, how are you feeling? What’s stressing you out? Slowed down to figure out why you’re so tense, or tired, or pissy? Enter Masturdating. Masturdating may not be entirely lewd, as such a dysphemism may suggest, (though, if you need a little lewdness in your life, do you, boo. 😂) but rather a clever name for dating yourself. (I would go into root word breakdown here, but I think we get it) Maybe self-dating seems pointless or even a bit loser-y, but it seriously has some advantages. On a date with someone else you hear their opinions in their voice. Opinions are naturally colored by conversation. On a date with yourself you can hear your own opinion in your own voice. Your opinions and thoughts may even have a chance to develop and grow as a result of self reflection as you discover what’s true for you in this moment. Understanding what is happening internally for you may help you decide what you need from other relationships in your life. Spending some Q.T. with yourself may help you appreciate those other relationships. Obviously our loved ones have some type of residence in our minds. Nothing says alone time can’t be spent, at least in part, appreciating those relationships.
But how do I masturdate? I’m glad you asked. Haha. Everyone’s ideal date will look different but one of my favorite ways to date is to wine and dine myself. My love language is gifts, so naturally some shopping is usually involved. I get a little dressed up, like in my Fancy leggings. I go to a restaurant I like. Sometimes I take a book to read between courses. Yes, courses. I’m Here for dessert. Sometimes all the reflection I get done is figuring out how being alone at dinner feels. Does it make me uncomfortable? If so, why? And, boom, there’s some self-study.
In the Yoga Sutras, Patanjali discusses some ethical principles by which to live, in relationship with self and others, known as Yamas and Niyamas, or restraints and observances. Among the Niyamas (observances) is Svadhyaya, commonly translated as self-study. Let’s break that word down. First we have Sva, meaning own or one’s own. Second is dhyaya, which comes from the root word dhyai, meaning to contemplate, to think one, to recollect, or to call to mind. To contemplate one’s own. Self-study requires honesty with self. It requires discipline to stick with it when maybe we see some less than desirable patterns inside. Most importantly, self-study requires (one of my favorite Sanskrit terms) ahimsa, or non-violence. Ahimsa reminds us not to judge or criticize, just observe. Be as gentle with yourself as you would if someone else were showing Their heart to you.
So. Going back to the masturdating. We’re all grown ups here. We have to schedule dates with other people. We need to schedule dates with ourselves too. Perhaps you are in the thick of it with a threenager, or you just otherwise have no resources for wining and dining. There’s still hope! If you still breathe on a regular basis, you have time to date yourself. Maybe your dates just look like locking yourself in the bathroom for 100 seconds, or however long you can manage.
There you are, on your fancy bathroom date. Start to notice your breath. Notice where on your face you start to feel that breath on the inhale. Notice where that breath settles in your body. Does it make it to your collar bones? Does it make it down to your ribs? Can you feel it all the way down in your belly? If your breath feels blocked, where does it stop? Why do you think it stops there? Take a quick mental scan of your body. Do you feel any unnecessary tension? Can you take a deep breath and watch that tension move out with your exhale?
And just like that, you’ve spent a moment on yourself. Self-care, self-study, self-dating. Whatever you want to call it. I promise, you are worth it. ♥️
The Trailer Park Yogi 